Notes on Separation, Separation Anxiety, and How to Make Your Mornings Happier
In an early childhood environment, it is very common to see children expressing their feelings, sometimes quite strongly, about parting from Mummy or Daddy. This is normal, and signals a good bond between you and your child. Attending playschool is a small step children take to gain independence.
Our teachers are here to work with you, and we regularly discuss strategies at our staff meetings to help children settle in. We’d like to share some of our observations and strategies to help you.
What happens if the crying goes on for longer than a few moments of lingering sadness?
Take heart: hundreds of parents have been here before. We’ve also seen many children at GAP, and guided the vast majority to a happy outcome.
We understand that it is hard for parents to leave their child if he or she is crying. It is hard for your child too, and sometimes hard for the other children who join in and start crying as well. The advice given by childcare centres and schools is to reassure your child, let them know when you will leave, remind them that you will be back when playschool finishes, then give them a kiss and a hug, wave cheerfully and leave promptly.
Most children only cry for a few minutes, are comforted by the teachers, and then go on to have a happy day. Be assured we would let you know if your child stayed distressed for any extended period.
My child cried when I left, and now I’m feeling dreadful
If your child was upset when you left, please feel free to ring us on 6257 7323 a little while later to reassure yourself your child has settled. There is nothing worse than being away, imagining your child howling for you. Please ring us. We will not think less of you; on the contrary, we will know you care, and it is nice for us to be able to report back on your child’s progress.
What happens at GAP when my child cries?
The great majority of children who cry when their parents leave are happy to be comforted by us. We hug them, rub their backs, reassure them, and if their German is not fluent yet, we comfort them in English too so we know they understand. We talk to them about the daily routine and the lovely things we will be doing before Mummy or Daddy comes back. Sometimes they need to be carried around for a while or distracted through play. If we could not comfort your child, we would let you know.
Occasionally, a child says or indicates that they do not want to be comforted by our teachers. We respect this too, stand back a little, and allow the child some space while keeping an eye on them until they are ready for us to help.
No child is left to cry alone. Please be assured that if your child is distressed for more than a short time we will ring you and talk it over right then and there.
What happens when the crying is over? Are they still sad?
Generally, after everyone is settled in the morning, the children spend the day happily. Of course there are occasional tears, but if that happens, the children trust our teachers enough to be comforted and settle back in quickly. Most children are upset for a while, are comforted, get over it, and enjoy their day.
My child runs to me and cries at pick-up time. Were they upset all day?
No. If your child had been upset all day, we would have rung you. Children may have a few tears of relief at pick-up time, as their bravery during the day spills out when they see their parent again.
My child seems sad more often than the others. Is it separation anxiety?
Our teachers will be able to guide you on that. Short periods of sadness are normal. If a child takes longer to settle in than seems appropriate, we should talk. We watch closely for signs that a child is not joining in, not playing happily, or seems otherwise distressed.
What sorts of things are more likely to contribute to the upsets?
Children who are new to GAP, and children who are reasonably young, often cannot yet imagine what the day will be like and focus instead on the immediate separation. They may also not yet have formed strong friendships that can support them.
In our experience, separation anxiety in new children is more prevalent than in older children or in children who already have supportive friendships. This means we expect the “drop-off tears” to become less as the year goes on.
How can you help your child?
- Arrange play dates with other GAP children to help your child form friendships and feel more part of the group.
- Bring your child early so there is enough time to settle in before the morning circle.
- Be positive and reassuring that you believe your child will have a good day.
- Stay with your child to help them settle in, and let us know when you are ready to leave so we can help.
- When you leave, don’t drag it out. Leave promptly, cheerfully and positively at the agreed time.
My child usually settles okay. Sometimes they don’t. Why?
It is very common that children are happy to be left at childcare or playschool on some days and have a harder time on others. We see changes particularly after sickness, around family visits, or around the holidays. Often, separation anxiety is worse after a school break.
I think it is me who isn’t ready to leave
That’s okay too. At GAP, parents are welcome any time, and for any length of time. Children learn independence in small steps. So can parents. If you are finding it difficult to separate from your child, be easy on yourself. You can stay the whole time if you wish. We are here to help. Talk to us.